On Not Drinking

I'm only 20, but I can't remember the last time I was drunk. I think I stopped drinking about a year and a half ago, but it's hard to tell. My body stopped liking it long before I stopped actually drinking it. I drank a lot in high school, never too much, but consistently every weekend from about the age of 16. I had fun. I never threw up, nor had any bad experiences or particularly embarrassed myself. It just made socialising a bit more interesting, I guess. My mum trusted me, so I never had to go behind her back either. 

My soberness was a gradual change. I slowly stopped after I realised that it was the alcohol, not my own nervousness, making me feel so awful. Just as I started to like the taste! I started to get really awful hangovers, in which I would spend a whole day in bed not being able to eat or think straight because I was so anxious. I think this feeling is fairly common and is referred to as 'hangxiety'. It's a real thing! It's caused by the chemical alterations that alcohol affects, "namely glutamate and GABA [Gamma aminobutyric acid]." Essentially, when you're drunk, your brain is acting much slower than usual. Then, when you're hungover, your brain is trying to rebalance these chemicals, is more sensitive to the glutamate, and less sensitive to the GABA. What I am trying to say is, I felt like this every time after drinking and it was just not worth it for me. 

On top of this, when I was actually drinking alcohol, it felt like I was already getting hungover, or maybe I was just getting anxious in anticipation of my hangover. After less than one drink I would get really hot, shaky and feel sick to my stomach. Alcohol is supposed to help you loosen up, but it just made me more uptight and anti-social. 

I feel the need to add that (sadly) weed has the exact same effect on me. The times that I have smoked have resulted in instant panic attacks. 

The point in time that I can pinpoint to my not drinking, is December 2019, when my brother got in a near-fatal accident and spent nine weeks in hospital. During that time, I didn't drink both out of guilt and out of anxiety. Drinking enhanced my nervousness and I simultaneously felt guilty for having fun when he wasn't able to. I haven't had any alcohol since then. 

As time has gone on, there have just been more reasons to add to why I am sober. I found out I have rosacea, and drinking is one of the things that makes it worse. I can sober drive everyone all night, and leave whenever I want because I don't have to hang around waiting to split an uber with someone. Not to mention, I save so much money. To buy clothes! Obviously. 

But there are definitely negatives. The worst thing about not drinking is undoubtedly the social element. While I feel better in myself when I am sober, you can't help but feel a little self-conscious when you are repeatedly asked why you aren't drinking. Many (drunk) people have not understood my myriad of reasons as to why I might be sober that night - 'I have work tomorrow', 'I'm driving', 'I've been under the weather this week', 'I have too much to do tomorrow', 'I'm just not feeling it tonight' - and have tried to shove a drink in my hand anyway. I promise I'm ok being sober, and it's my own choice! I like it better this way! Sometimes I feel a bit awkward not holding anything in my hand, and being sober around a bunch of non-sober people sometimes sucks. But for the most part, it's really not as bad as people think it is. I can be more confident in myself and who I am as a person because I know I don't rely on alcohol to socialise. I know that everyone who meets me has met the same version of me. I still have fun when I go out, and there are definitely times when I almost feel drunk, just by 'absorbing' the energy of those around me. Not drinking is not a problem, if it's not affecting your inability to go out and socialise with your friends. 

I don't know if I'll be sober forever, but for now, I think it is truly one of the best decisions I have made for myself. To be honest, it's not easy! If my body liked it, I almost certainly would be drinking. It's hard to stop being embarrassed about being sober, and to not be entirely preoccupied with what other people think about me. But in saying that, I think that not drinking has been a really important part of my journey with self-confidence and acceptance within myself. I feel more like I know who I am, and I have learnt to trust myself and my instincts. It has also helped me accept my introverted-ness, which I think is strangely pitied in our society that values extroverted-ness. I'm writing this now because I think I have finally accepted this part of myself, and been able to be a bit more proud of it, rather than embarrassed. I know I'm not boring! But it definitely makes sense to me why a drunk person might think I am (lol). And to be totally frank, I wish I could have as much fun drunk as most other people can, but for now I am not willing to sacrifice every Sunday for my inevitable hangxiety. You'll still see me out (most) Saturday nights though! I can never pass up an opportunity to wear a cute outfit, which has probably been purchased thanks to my non-drinking extra cash.